New Post

My Lord has it really be 3 months since my last post? I doubt that you care and trust me, I don’t either, it’s just the thought of it I spose. So this long awaited and much chagrined post, for me at least, has to do with the Civil War. Alright! See ya later!

Now that the non-believers have filtered out after that bunker buster of a topic, we can get to business. Thanks for sticking with me. I’m in Republic, Missouri tonight after a long day of being awesome. My day started out in Osawatomie, Kansas, which was the site of a particular battle against pro-slavery forces and free-staters during “Bleeding Kansas” prior to the Civil War. John Brown led a small group of badasses against a substantially larger group of badasses, and lost. That’s fine and dandy but it’s pretty well-worn territory as far as marginal battles go. What really got me wet was the Pottawatomie Massacre just a few miles west of Osawatomie.

You see, Kansas was the epicenter of epic-ness during the 1850′s and John Brown wanted a piece of the action. In 1856, the town of Lawrence, Kansas was a hot bed of abolitionism and needed to be taught a lesson, at least that’s what Sheriff Samuel Jones thought. He formed a posse of border ruffians and went to give Lawrence a spanking. It wasn’t a “this is going to hurt me more than you” type of spanking, but more of a “this is going to feel so good on the palm of my hand as I spank you” type of spanking. As far as spankings and metaphors go, Lawrence’s first spanking was a deep tissue massage compared to the spanking that happened there 7 years later by William Quantrill. (Over one-hundred and fifty were killed during the Lawrence Massacre.)

Back to Brown. The first Lawrence spanking ignited a furor in Brown that could only be quenched with MURRRRDERRRRR. So John Brown wrangled up a couple of his sons, which wasn’t hard considering he had over 20 to choose from…no joke, and set out for revenge. John was all like, “Gunz R Gay” and decided to use BROADSWORDS. That’s right, Brown decided to use weapons that hadn’t been used since roughly 1600 A.D. Do you know what a broadsword looks like? It looks like this:

don't bring a gun to a broadsword fight.

John Brown was a bad-ass. Now, it isn’t known whether he actually partook in the hacking of 7 men in Franklin County, but he supposedly put a bullet into the head of one of the men to make sure he was dead. Do you know what this means? They had guns with them but still chose to use FREAKING BROADSWORDS to start the festivities.

Now, I drove to Franklin County this morning in an attempt to locate a few of the massacre sites but had no luck. I tried, to the point of desperation, to find the sites but luck wasn’t in the passenger seat. I asked roughly 10 people if they knew of the locations but only got vague answers and shifty glances. The main problem is that the sites people do know of are on private property and, considering this regions history, I didn’t think it would be wise to test their patience. I did anyways. I drove on some back roads and knocked on some doors and was eventually pointed towards the house of a man named Albert.

I drove down an unassuming gravel road, rounded a bend, and saw Albert’s house. I pulled up, got out, and was met by literally 15 cats. It was intimidating to say the least. Albert wasn’t home so I drove further down the road in a last ditch attempt to locate the areas that would undoubtedly make my heart flutter. I came to a private drive that wound against a hay field on its left and tall oaks on its right. I honestly thought I was pushing my luck considering I wasn’t even on a road anymore but a driveway instead. I eventually came to a house and started walking up to the house to knock on the door. Timing is everything, apparently, and I managed to catch the proprietor of the property pulling out of his driveway. I ran up to his driver side window, introduced myself, and told him about my plight. Wouldn’t you know it, he just happened to own property that 2 of the men in the massacre were murdered on. Sadly, he had just undergone major surgery and didn’t think he was physically able to show me the area…this time.

We exchanged phone numbers and he told me he would ask around to see if someone else could show me the other sites until he was well enough to do the same with me. He called me 2 hours later, bless his heart, and gave me…wait for it…ALBERT’S phone number. I told him I had stopped by Albert’s house already but he wasn’t home. How serendipitous. I called Albert and if all goes well, I will be visiting areas that only a few have visited since the actual massacre. I am awesome.

I have a long drive tomorrow but it will be completely worth it. Sorry for the book. Not.