New Yorkiepoo

New York City, New York Shitty. Like I would know if it really is shitty, because I have never been there. The most populous city in the United States of America is one that I only see on New Years Eve and hear in Jay-Z rap songs. I hate NYC, but I still want to visit it. Why do I hate NYC?

1. The Yankees
2. The Yankees
3. Their arrogance (Citizens and members of the Yankees)
4. Rudy Giuliani
5. I don’t like any city that is named after its state
6. Gov. David Paterson (He is a double minority, black and blind)
7. Cash Cab
8. The Yankees

Why would I want to visit it then? Because I want to be able to make fun of it within city limits. Durrrr. Long ago, I almost had the opportunity to visit this fabled city that was named after York, England. I personally prefer New Amsterdam (where’s your song now, Jay-Zzzzzzzzzzzz?) It was nineteen-hundred and ninety-six and I was a mere ten years old considering I was born in nineteen-hundred and eighty-six. Our family was bombing around the Eastern U.S. on a road trip and we managed to hit all of the hot-spots: Boston, Maine, Niagara Falls, Cape Cod, etc. We did not go to NYC. Why?

My memory has apparently faded quite a bit, but the reason is due to a large rift in our family. This rift is Basketball. My mother and sister think that the Indiana Pacers are the absolute TOPS! More specifically, Reginald Miller, or Reggie (GAY). They love him more than they love love. I don’t know if they truly realize how big of a douchebag he was but that is another post entirely. You see, Reginald and his Pacers had a substantial rivalry with Patrick Ewing and his New York Knickerbottoms (or something) and this is where the family rift shows its ugly head.

I’m a Chicago Bulls fan and think know that Michael Jordan is the greatest that ever was and will ever be, but he got cocky (rightly so) and decided to retire from Basketball and play Baseball. Big mistake? Yes. The reason his absence is so important is because it allowed other teams to compete for the NBA championship. This is where the Pacers and Knicks come in. Long story short, Reginald got lit up in the playoffs by the Knicks in 94 but came back a year later and beat the Knicks. Big deal, right? I mean, the Houston Rockets won the championship twice during Jordan’s absence. Houston Shmuston. In our family, the Knicks are hated upon by my mother and sister without a doubt, but the Knicks biggest fan is hated upon even more. Spike Lee.

Our road trip was going along nicely. We had a new badass Suburban with TWO ROWS OF SEATS, not counting the driver and passenger seats. We were ballin, for sure. This is where the family rift ultimately affected my future.

The decision was made to not go to NYC because:

1. Spike Lee lived there
2. My sister (Courtney) did not have any of her Pacer gear with her and this goes with number 3
3. My sister was afraid she would run into Spike Lee on the streets of NYC and not have her Pacer shirt on when she decided to talk shit. (And she would have)

I am completely serious about our decision to not go to NYC. In hindsight, that seems like an absolutely absurd reason to not go to NYC and this is coming from the guy who hates it but I still have a rich desire to walk within its city limits and say, “Go Red Sox!” I do. I do. I do-o-o-o-oo. This revelation of our decision to not go to NYC has given me one reason to love the city:

1. Spike Lee

Aren’t family rifts FUN?!