Stream of Consciousness

Where do I begin? The only starting point that I seem to agree with would have to do with stream of consciousness. Ok.

I need an idea that conforms to the mindset that I am currently in. My current mindset is that of confusion. This confusion stems from a particular mindset that has been forcefully ingrained into the very fibers of my brain. Let us delve deeper into this psyche…

I wake up. The night has been long, The light coming through my window tells me this. My phone is ten feet out of my reach. It seems to be light out. I seem to be wide awake. The light that streams through my window gives me the impression that it is 7:00 a.m. I literally debated the decision to get out of my bed and walk the ten feet to my phone to see what time it was or throw the pillow back over my head and not give a shit. I checked my phone. It was 4:00 a.m. I felt deceived by nature. The fact that I assumed it was 7 in the morning was met harshly by the depressing realization that snow reflects light. Light can be a fickle thing. Light from our nearest star takes 4.3 years to reach our collective beady eyes. The light that I was witnessing came from a security light. The light from this inconsequential beacon traveled from its source, bounced off the newly laid snow, and traveled into my room, through my eyelids, and into my brain. It woke me. I was awoken. I was confused. I was angry.

This particular light was apparently blinding. I assumed that is was blinding because my eyes had been shut for an extended period of time and the sudden light made them unhappy. The motion of my legs from the bed, across the ten foot expanse, to the phone, and back again, gave me the realization that I hated winter.

I eventually went back to my bed and began to ponder human emotion. My bed is confined to my body and my body is too big for my bed. I am tall, but not incredibly tall. I am average. My emotions had nothing to do with the average height of my particular age group. When I began to ponder human emotion, I really only pondered mine.

I laid back down into my bed and really thought about my future. I had no future. If you think that the future is any period of time beyond your current time, you are wrong. The future is something you can’t control. The future is not deciding to go to bed at a certain time or deciding on what you will eat for dinner; the future is the unknown, therefore inconsequential.

I just re-read that last paragraph and my brain detonated in a ball of detonated balls that detonated only when balls detonate.

My life has been incredibly blessed beyond anything that I can comprehend. I am literally to the point where expressing gratitude seems pathetically inept and not worth explanation. I am still thankful.

I laid back down on the bed that couldn’t contain my legs and tried to fall asleep. My mind drifted into a state of unconsciousness.

I dreamed that I was running. It started as a walk, then jog, then run. The run seemed slow at first but progressed into a glide. My strides elongated to the point where I was no longer running, but flying. I flew up to incredible heights. I dodged looks, I dodged thoughts. I swooped up and down and all around. I laughed…I literally remember laughing. It felt as if I was gliding effortlessly through the air, almost in a fashion that could only be relived by looking at dolphins swim.

I was genuinely happy. This elation was met by uncertainty, however. I remember actually thinking in my dream what would happen if I forgot how to fly. I wanted to go higher, but was held back by uncertainty. I realized that I am confined even in my dreams. That is a terrible feeling. It is almost earth-shattering. It is never fun to wake up depressed.

It is easy to think that dreams force a certain mindset that can be easily confused by the conscious mind but I honestly think that dreams have meaning. Like I mentioned, my previous dream had me flying, only to be shot down by uncertainty. I completely agree with my over-analytical brain in that regard, I worry too much, I worry about a ridiculous amount of things that had absolutely zero impact on my day to day life. I need to sabotage my dreams in that sense.

I am so pent up on a stable career, decent income (and benefits) and other material matters that I am completely missing the picture. This picture has nothing to do with you. It is my picture, completely mine.

I had woken up depressed. I am going to bed encouraged.